oswald's scoop

I have never been very big on conspiracy theories. Lee Harvey Oswald may have simply been a crack-pot & a lucky shot (complete with self-guided magic bullet) – we’ll never know.

My new finding, however, may make the Kennedy assassination look insignificant. You see, I bought a coffee scoop at Starbucks a few years ago. It was marked as being exactly a 2 tablespoon measuring scoop. I have used this same scoop for maybe 3 years, and it has never failed me. (OK, OK… it’s not gonna suffer any mechanical breakdown for the next 3,000 years – it’s a metal spoon, for crying out loud). A few weeks ago, I wanted to give my sister-in-law a batch of my home-roasted coffee. In order for Mary to be able to enjoy the coffee fully, I knew she would need a coffee grinder to grind the beans minutes before brewing. I found a nice blade grinder & picked it up. I also reflected on how nicely my Starbucks 2-Tablespoon scoop worked, so I decided to pass on the cheap-o scoop that was offered with the grinder, and would make a side-trip to Starbucks to buy Mary her own official 2-tablespoon coffee scoop – complete with the word “STARBUCKS” stamped on the handle (along with the words “2 TABLESPOONS”).

Starbucks had a whole batch of coffee scoops – on sale too! These scoops didn’t have mererly the straight shiny metal handle – no, these handles flared to a nice, ergonomic rubberized handle-tip. I immediately came down with a severe case of “I want one of THESE“. They were reduced in price sufficiently enough for me to buy two – one for Mary & one for me.

Mary received her freshly-roasted beans, coffee grinder and 2-tablespoon scoop. She raves about my coffee, and for this I am tickled. Mary has no idea that she was unknowingly dragged into a conspiracy of monumental proportions – for God’s sake – it’s freaking COFFEE!

I found my new coffee scoop yesterday (it was hidden under other coffee junk since the day it came into my house) and thought that this would be a rite-of-passage – the old coffee scoop will finally get some well-deserved time off, and the new kid will have to get into the game. As I plunged the new scoop into the super-fresh coffee, it hit me like a ton of bricks – THIS SCOOP IS TOO SMALL TO HOLD 2 TABLESPOONS! I measured the capacity of the new scoop – it holds only 4 teaspoons (1.5 tablespoons). The old one measured exactly 2 tablespoons.

Those crafty bastards! They want me to make weak coffee at home so I will come to their store & pay $4.00 for a “proper” cup of coffee! This will all come out to the general public once the Warren Commission reconvenes. They will not get away with this – no sir!

My apologies, Mary – I didn’t know. I swear. Wait… there’s a knock on the door… oh no – it’s the Cubans… gotta run out the back door.